I never believed in the act of sitting down and doing shadow work.
I don’t feel like you need to buy a fancy journal and force yourself to relive your trauma in the name of healing. It always pops up when you least expect it. Ready to be seen. Ready to integrate. Usually in the form of a situation that triggers you.
Instead of writing it off as being emotional or overreacting, I’ve learned to get curious and to meet that hurt part of me with presence.
Yesterday I bought 2 new pairs of jeans. Serena suggested we go through our clothes when we got home because our closet has been looking insane lately and I agreed.
So we sat down and started pulling out pants. Some of them I had held onto for years “just in case” I lost weight and could fit in them again.
As I went through them I started to feel more and more overwhelmed, panicked even. I didn’t want to let a single pair go and my reasoning was simple: just in case.
I took a few breaths and let the feelings come forward. And then suddenly I was sobbing uncontrollably which confused the hell out of me at first, but the confusion intrigued me, so I put my hands on my heart and watched the thoughts roll in.
“What if I lose weight and I have nothing that fits anymore?”
I dug deeper…
“What if I don’t have money to buy the pants when I need them?”
I could have stopped here but still, something felt unfinished so I dug deeper….
“What if one day I don’t have everything I need… again?”
There it was. Pants were the trigger. The pattern was “just in case i might need it again.”
I grew up pretty poor and I didn’t get new clothes often. I saw those first days of school, everyone in shiny new outfits while I wore Salvation Army pants worn thin at the knees. That version of me was alive and living in this pattern I was unaware of.
To start dismantling and integrate this energy, I started doing some rounds of EFT tapping. I told little Cedez inside that we are safe. That we have everything we need. That we even have what we want. And that we always will.
Of course, you never truly know that but it isn't really about the objective truth of always having enough and predicting the future. It’s more about nervous system safety and this routine reminds me of the 5-4-3-2-1 technique I use during anxiety attacks.
In this case, I scan the room and name things I once wanted or needed that are right here with me. It gives the part of my brain looking for threats proof that I’m more than okay.
Then the EFT tapping further activates the parasympathetic nervous system to get you out of survival mode and into safety mode.
The beauty of going into triggers is you find those “pattern phrases.” For me, it’s “just in case.” Now whenever I catch myself saying those words, I know I have a choice. I can keep running that loop or gently choose a new pattern, one of abundance and enoughness.
So I gave away all the pants that no longer fit me and the weight on my chest lifted.
It was never about the pants.